


Trace the Scars, Fit the Pieces

by glitterfordays



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Cutting, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-23
Updated: 2011-04-23
Packaged: 2017-10-18 13:18:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/189274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterfordays/pseuds/glitterfordays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It kills my soul to see you this way,” Adam heavy-heartedly spoke. Every scar was visible, even in the bathroom’s dim light. Little, horizontal, crimson lines adorned the width of Tommy’s scrawny, pale arms; some appeared to be newer, while others were mutilated years ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trace the Scars, Fit the Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> This FF contains graphic subject matter and some language. Please read at your own discretion.  
> All my fanfics are complete works of fiction, and I take no credit whatsoever for these characters.  
> Title credit is given to the song that loosely inspired this FF, "If You Can't Leave it Be, Might as Well Make it Bleed" by Dashboard Confessional.  
> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy!

  
Adam found it slightly weird Tommy always wore long sleeves. The singer noticed that whether he covered his arms with a jacket or long sleeve tee, the bassist's arms were never bare; even the day he first auditioned to be in the band Tommy wore a leather jacket. Adam remembered a few years ago how he slabbed foundation on to mask the myriad of freckles that blanketed his body; often he resorted to wearing long sleeves as well. Needless to say, Tommy's choice of clothing didn't bother Adam in the slightest, but it did pique his curiosity. Ever since the bassist joined the group, things had been incredible between them; they both shared similar ideas and got along perfectly. The singer hadn’t been in a serious relationship since his first love Brad. Adam fell head over heels over a man who ended up breaking his heart; it took him many months, sleepless nights, and countless bottles of wine to finally regain some sliver of self-control. When Tommy came into his life, he finally found someone who would always be there for him; Adam was infatuated with the idea he had someone to run to, even if they weren’t in love. He never admitted his true feelings to Tommy, for fear he may run the blond haired beauty off. Because of this, their relationship wasn’t romantic; still, they often lavished each other with meaningful hugs, affectionate kisses on the forehead, and tender touches on the back. Adam and Tommy frequently made it a point to be together, even if it just meant watching a late night movie at one of their apartments.

  


The times Tommy spent with Adam were always beautiful, and he lovingly held on to each memory in his heart, keeping it locked away down in the bottom of his soul. He knew their relationship wasn't going to go any farther than it was currently, because he saw the way Adam looked at the band's new manager Drake. Drake joined the crew just a few months ago, right when the tour had begun. He was a fresh face to include into the mixed group, and Adam eagerly accepted this new recruit. Tommy enjoyed his company on rare occasions, but saw him as a bit of competition for Adam’s attention; the blond saw Adam sneak little looks at Drake before their nightly concert would begin. It was always the same on tour: same set, crew, and routine, but a different city daily. Nightly Drake ran through the entire set with Adam and the band, and most of the time had to remind Adam which city they were performing in that evening. Afterwards, the singer would put his soft hand on Drake's upper arm as a thank-you; that never ceased to cause a heart-wrenching churn of Tommy's whole insides, sometimes causing him to feel physically nauseus. Adam had no knowledge of Tommy's true feelings, and with Drake around, he never would.

"Damn. I know I should have just told him when I had a chance," Tommy found himself muttering incoherently when he was alone before each concert.

 

Adam booked a floor of the hotel right near the venue they just finished performing at. He didn't want everyone to be cramped on the tour bus that night; the singer wanted them to get a well deserved break from those cramped quarters since they'd be at the same venue tomorrow, and they were in Adam’s favorite city- Los Angeles. Tommy was given a room all to himself, the bright eyed singer eagerly began to hand him his key cards.

Adam hotly asked, "Do you mind if I keep one of these? You know, just in case I can't find my room later…" With a wink and a tender, flirtatious smile he turned away to chat with the receptionist for a moment.

  
The man returned, announcing to the entire crew, "Tonight we're all going out to Saint Felix for some fun and drinks!"

A roar of cheers rang out though the elegant marble lobby, and the group eagerly retreated to their rooms to change. Tommy slid the key into the door and entered his room, proceeding to settle in for the night.  A few evenings ago marked the halfway point of the North American tour; Tommy usually wasn’t this exhausted, but the flirty looks exchanged between Adam and Drake had been taking a heavy toll on him for some time. The frustrated musician pulled out a change of clothes and ziploc bag from his suitcase, placing the clothes on the bed and the bag in the wood drawer next to the mattress, his mind hazily drifting further and further away. He started to immerse himself in his private thoughts when a knock unexpectedly greeted him-a knock he certainly recognized.

"Hey Glitterbaby, are you ready to hit the town?” Adam asked as he began opening the door.

Tommy was unsure of how to respond but quickly gave the excuse, "I'm not up for it tonight Adam. I'm sorry. I’ve just been really tired recently. Go out and have some fun for me, ok?"

He wouldn't dare delve into his feelings at that point, especially not with Adam there.  
   
Adam dejectedly replied, "Are you sure Glitterbaby? We’re just going to have fun but it won't be the same without you."  
"I'm sorry, maybe another night," Tommy realized the sting he had just inflicted on Adam, but didn't have much else to say.

Adam despondently turned, but first planted an intimate kiss on Tommy's forehead, and said, “Feel better baby. The gang and I will probably be back really late. We -especially I- will miss you tonight."

With that, he gently slipped out the hotel room door. Frustrated with the way Adam and his conversation went, Tommy tugged angrily at his long sleeve sweater; a chill eerily crawled up his spine, causing him to take sharp, short breaths. He poorly attempted to repress the memories of high school; those years contained secrets only he harbored, ones he kept deep down in his soul. All his friends were into drugs, but his old girlfriend introduced to something that fascinated him more: Cutting. She did it for the high, but he used it as relief from the troubles that plagued him, not to "wallow in self pity". Deep down he recognized fighting thoughts of his sexual orientation had been harming him mentally and physically, but cutting helped him forget about all the shit his mind was sorting through. It started off being just little scratches, intentionally resembling papercuts, so he could wear short sleeves in the summer; however as time went on, the bassist's self inflictions had escalated in severity. Once, he recalled, he cut himself so badly the excess blood loss caused him to pass out cold; that night he truly believed he was going to die. A shiver went up his spine as he reminisced: that dangerous infliction had resulted from a disturbing thing he saw at school earlier in the day. Tommy had been walking the deserted hallway to go to the restroom, and he witnessed something he wish he hadn't- a group of kids had spray painted "die queers" along the entire main hallway, and marked X's on lockers of kids they suspected to be gay. Tommy's locker was brutally assaulted with this large, violently smeared on, black X. He no longer headed to the restroom-he left and retreated to his home and razor. Even though he had a near death experience, it didn't stop him from cutting. As he aged, he self inflicted less and less; every single scar still remained. Tommy always kept blades within easy access, in case the need would arise. On this depressing, lonely night, he knew what would relieve him of the anguish he was painfully suffering from internally. Before going to take a bath, Tommy wandered over to his nightstand; the place he always stored his razor blades, his preferred tool for self infliction. He caught himself unconsciously pulling open the drawer as if it were second nature, but didn't care to stop his actions. Tommy fished out the Ziploc bag he threw in there earlier. The man sifted through the bag's contents: running his fingers past some toothpaste; condoms, _I've been saving these to use with Adam. Hell, like that'll ever happen_ , he told himself; hairbrush; Tylenol; his thin white fingers finally picking up a familiar razor blade. He preceded slowly, blade in hand, to the bathroom and turned to close the door. He made certain to lock it, shifted back toward the tub, and tugged at the faucet. Tommy sometimes turned his iPod on when bathing, but tonight was different: he wanted entire silence, for him to truly submerse himself in his ritual. Gingerly the man crept into the now hot water, noticing the steam fogging up the mirror already. Tommy brought his knees up to his chest for a moment, taking in the way he was feeling only for an instant; if he even tried to question his actions, he feared he would talk himself out of it.

  
What he felt from the little blade was always the same; it was truly indescribable- a high like no other. He would go through the motions like clockwork, at a leisurely pace. Tommy would pass the blade toyfully through his callus fingers, observing the slight shine it managed to emit in the dim, steamy bathroom. The blond would search carefully for a virgin spot of skin on the inside of his arm, a new area to leave a scar. As he braced himself for the pain, Tommy took the blade and tenderly placed it over the selected spot, and proceeded to apply pressure. It felt exactly like it had years ago; the moment the blade broke the skin, it produced a pleasurable amount of pain. Tommy instantly cried out loudly at his intended result.

"Shit!" he hollered to the empty room and silver blade.

He immediately attempted to silence himself, but it was no use; the man began to hiss aloud, clenching his perfecly aligned teeth and smirking as he allowed the blade to dig deeper and deeper into his soft skin. Tommy closed his eyes tightly for a brief moment, his toes desperately trying to grip the textured ceramic floor of the tub. The blond allowed himself to swiftly peek down at his arm; the blood slowly oozed out of the fresh cut. Tommy let the warm red blood trickle drop by drop, like tears, off the side of his arm into the pool of warm water surrounding his slightly shaking body. The fog still heavily lingered on the bathroom mirror, and the water he sat in was lukewarm. In reality Tommy had only been in the room for a short time, but to him it had felt much longer. He intentionally proceeded with his secret ritual because he knew Adam wouldn’t come back this evening; Tommy figured if the night involved his " _new boyfriend_ " and alcohol of any sort, he’d come stumbling in at the crack of dawn- or maybe even the following afternoon. Tommy didn't recall what time he sought refuge in the bathroom, but realized either it was late, or Adam was clearly early getting back. He didn't know how long Adam had been there, but he desperately hoped the raven haired man hadn't heard his sharp painful cries. The blond could Adam faintly in the background swinging the room door closed.

Adam sounded vivacious, but lightly whispered, “Tommy! Are you asleep? I hope I’m not waking you up…”

At first his voice sounded far away, but it was getting louder, as were his footsteps. Tommy froze dead in his tracks; even the warm bath water couldn’t heat up Tommy’s ice cold body.

Blood gushing down his arm, he had no choice but to holler to Adam, “I’m in the bathroom taking a bath Babyboy, just wait I’ll be out in a second.”

Adam wasn’t fazed by that excuse, so he flirtatiously asked, “Oh, how about I just come in and help you?”

Tommy imagined that inquiry was accompanied by an enticing smile. Tommy couldn’t let Adam see him like this, so he had to hastily clean himself up. With difficulty, he managed to pull himself out the tub with one arm. A clammy, ice cold sweat started covering every inch of his body and he could hear Adam’s presence inching toward the bathroom door. Tommy quickly drained the tub out, and frantically pulled his body hugging, black, cotton sweater off the counter. Adam’s hand was gently trying to turn the knob, and to his dismay it was locked.

“Tommy? Is everything okay in there? You’re starting to worry me,” Adam entreated nervously.

Nervous as hell, Tommy couldn’t bring his mouth to articulate anything, not even a simple “yes” or “no”. He knew he had no time to wrap gauze over his gory, injured arm; it would cause Adam even more anxiety. All Tommy could bring himself to do was pull the sweater over his head at rapid speed, put his boxers on, quickly hide the razor in the counter drawer, and unlock the door. He couldn’t decide what exactly he’d do when he saw Adam’s face. Tommy found himself urgently gasping for air in the hot, sticky room; he had no time left. He gently opened the door, and found Adam standing over him in a placid way. Tommy had no choice but to look away, he couldn’t gaze into Adam's shining eyes. He bit his lip and walked toward the room’s kitchen.

“I’m sorry I didn’t go tonight Adam. Did you have fun?” Tommy asked him.

Adam was almost in shock, never had he witnessed Tommy like this before. He noticed something-many things- different about him that evening, but couldn't put his finger on what exactly was up. He wasn’t himself; he appeared to be a completely different person.

“We had a good time, but it definitely wasn’t as fun without you there. I came home early because I was thinking about you all night, and wanted to make sure you are fine. Are you feeling okay? Because you haven’t been acting like your normal self lately; you’re not the Tommy I know..” Adam replied.  
   
The concerned singer began to close the space between the two of them, ever-so-slightly extending his hand toward Tommy’s soft, rounded shoulder. Even though Tommy didn’t want to admit what he was feeling, Adam continued with his interrogation.

“Tommy, seriously, what’s been up with you lately? You’ve been distant to everyone, especially me, for the past two months. Did I do something wrong? Just _talk_ to me,” he pleaded.

Before Adam continued to speak, he went to hold Tommy’s hand, but was instantly taken aback; Tommy’s fingers had a sinister red color to them, wetly glistening in the dim room.

“Shit Tommy! You’re bleeding, what is going on?! I need to get you to a hospital! What happened?! Is this why you had the bathroom door locked? Why aren’t you answering me? Tommy!”

Tommy stared blankly at the man for a quick instant, momentarily oblivious to what he was referring to. He looked down at the arm he tried so desperately to conceal from Adam, but it was too late; some blood had been absorbed by the shirt, but the rest had trickled gently down his stinging arm, the raw cut oozing whatever his body had left to bleed. Adam, completely hysterical at what was occurring in front of his eyes, forcefully took Tommy’s other arm and hauled him unwillingly toward the bathroom. Adam could barely hold back the tears smothering his broken face; he no longer kept the composure he had when he first came in the hotel room.

“Oh Tommy, baby, how did you get this way? Did you hurt yourself? Oh baby, everything’s going to be okay, I promise. I’ll clean you up and we’ll get you to the hospital.”

Tommy, with as much strength as he could muster, attempted to break away from Adam’s strong grip; it was no use. Adam had a tight hold on Tommy and wouldn’t let him escape. Tommy couldn’t handle it anymore; he started crying and knew his knees were trembling. A sickening cringe began to stir inside his stomach, and he felt lightheaded. His knees crashed down into the hotel room hallway; tears gathered in his eyes, and he dejectedly clenched both hands into Adam’s.

“I’m so sorry Adam. Please, please, don’t do this baby. You don’t have to help me; I just didn’t have enough time to clean myself up before you came in.” Tommy refused to say another word, his head hung in shame.

Tears came down like rain on both their faces. Adam knelt down, and sat on the carpet as well. He took his smooth index finger and lifted Tommy’s chin up; he was staring straight into the blonde man’s lost soul. With that hushed, tender moment, they both rose from the floor and Tommy allowed Adam to clean him up. With effort they both made it to the bathroom, where Adam found a towel to serve as a makeshift cast of sorts, anything to stop the blood. Tommy looked at him scared to death, not wanting to remove his sweater; Adam needed him to take it off but shuddered inside, not wanting to know the severity of the cut.

Adam whispered, “Tommy, you have to get that sweater off so I can actually stop the bleeding. Please. If you won’t do it for me, do it for yourself…” Adam trailed off, not wanting to say the following sentence, “You could be dying for all we know.”

Tommy struggled to respond, but surrendered to Adam’s pensive request. Adam gracefully touched the bottom hem of Tommy’s soaked shirt, and began to lift it above the blond man’s quivering body. Adam didn’t know how to react, but reluctantly braved himself for the worst. Tommy faced Adam shirtless, overwhelmed with emotion. He hadn’t ever wanted Adam to see him like this, _ever_. Adam was completely dismayed and his stomach began to violently turn and turn in knots he never knew existed.

He could see the apprehension in the man’s eyes, but knew he had to reassure him, even if he was scared to death, “Baby, it’s gonna be okay, you’re going to be fine,” he whispered.

Adam felt a deep, intense lurch inside his entire body, and experienced death travelling from his head to his toes. Adam had never seen something so perturbing, and was completely shattered when he carefully took in the disturbing sight of Tommy’s battered arms. Tommy had to turn away; he couldn’t allow himself to view the upset look on Adam’s face.

“Oh honey, I feel so awful, you don’t know how worried you’ve made me. I don’t understand why you would keep this from me. I thought we could trust each other, share everything with each other. It kills my soul to see you this way,” Adam heavy-heartedly spoke.

Every scar was visible, even in the bathroom’s dim light. Little, horizontal, crimson lines adorned the width of Tommy’s scrawny, pale arms; some appeared to be newer, while others were mutilated years ago. A great deal of blood was still forcing itself out of Tommy’s newest infliction; it wasn’t a large mark, but Tommy made the mistake of cutting farther than normal into his small body. The movement inside his stomach hadn’t ceased, and his dizziness was becoming apparent to Adam.

“Tommy, I’ve never dealt with this before, but you look dizzy. We need to go to the emergency room right now.”

At that point, Tommy wasn’t really aware of what Adam was saying; he was struggling with keeping conscious. Adam quickly made Tommy a temporary cover for the wound with a towel and called the hotel lobby, explaining the situation in rushed, but calm, manner. He was terrified beyond belief of everything that was going on; this was one adreline rush he wish he wasn't experiencing. He made Tommy rest his uninjured arm over his shoulders, helping him get to the lobby and to the hospital.  

  
The past few hours had been a blur for both Adam and Tommy; the ambulance ride to the hospital felt nothing like reality, more like some sick, twisted dream. Tommy knew he wasn’t in the hotel anymore, but in a cold empty room with some synthetic tubes coming out of his body. By midnight, Adam was exhausted from stress and insomnia; he couldn’t close his eyes until he knew Tommy was stable. Adam had reflected on a possible cause for Tommy’s problem, and found himself talking out loud about it.

“Maybe it’s all the stress from touring? We’ve been hitting the cities hard every night. Or could the cuts be from drinking too much and not realizing he’s hurt himself? I just can’t figure it out. I want to ask him when he wakes up, but I don’t want to cause him any more pain than he is already in. I don’t want him to think I’m angry with him either. Damn, I just wish he could have talked to me about it.” He sighed heavily, and laid his wrinkled forehead on Tommy’s bed.

After a few moments of silence, he peered up and stared at Tommy’s peaceful, sleeping face; no longer could he hold back his tears, and let them delicately descend down his motionless face. Even though he was at his bedside, Adam kept his space from the resting Tommy; however, he couldn’t bear the distance any longer. He cautiously touched Tommy’s hand, consciously avoiding the needle lodged in the skin of the pale man's limp wrist.

Adam, still sitting in his chair, spoke in a gentle tone to Tommy’s body, “Tommy. I doubt you can hear me honey, but I don’t know how this all happened. I thought you were okay, but I didn’t see any warning signs. I had been oblivious all along, and I regret it with my entire being. I love you so much baby. I should have told you that sooner; maybe you would have let me help you...”

Tommy had been awake the entire time, but chose to keep his eyes shut. He, however, couldn’t prevent tears from escaping the corners of his eyes. Adam blinked furiously and rubbed his face, unsure of what he was witnessing. Feeling the salty drops run down his face, the blond realized he had to open his eyes. Tommy didn’t want to divulge the motives of his recent self injury in a hospital; it just wasn’t fair to him or Adam.

Tommy spoke in a hushed tone, “Oh Adam, I love you too. I’m so tired; I just want to go home. I’ll tell you the truth in time...I promise.”

An hour or so later, they allowed Tommy to go, but warned him to not have a repeat situation. Just before he and Adam headed to the hotel, the entire crew came rushing in, their faces flustered and anxious. Tommy caught sight of Drake, and his cut immediately began to sting relentlessly; it felt as if someone was pouring acid over it. 

The blond turned away from the group quickly, whispering into Adam’s ear, “Please. I just want to go back with you, and I don’t want to be around the gang tonight. _Please._ I just wanna go home.”

With some heavy convincing, they all returned to the hotel together and Adam ushered them all back to their rooms. Drake stayed for a moment to speak with Adam near Tommy’s hotel room door. Drake was oblivious to it, but Adam felt extreme tension at the moment; negative, dark energy was emitting from Tommy.

Not intending for his words to sting, Drake simply asked Adam, “So does this mean you want to cancel our second show here? We don’t have a back up bassist. If you want to go on with the show, we’ll have to do it without the bass parts.”

Tommy felt a blow to his entire core; it was as if someone had just lodged his heart into his throat. The bassist couldn’t handle the situation and speechlessly retreated to his room. Adam quickly turned and grasped his arm; Tommy immediately dismissed the touch, shrugged the tall man’s hand off his body, and slammed the door shut. Adam bade Drake goodnight, and hurriedly followed Tommy inside.

Adam watched Tommy miserably head towards the bedroom, and spoke up, “I think I figured out the truth Tommy. Baby, do you have a problem with Drake? Is that what has been bothering you so much? What’s been making you so moody?”

Tommy didn’t want to talk about this, especially not at one o’ clock in the morning. With a limp wave of his hand, he continued towards the bed. Adam followed suit, greatly needing an answer from the one he loved so much.

Adam spoke one again, “Tommy. Please, just for a minute. Does he present such a problem that I need to hire someone else? I haven’t heard you mention anything negative about him before.”

Tommy plopped onto the bed, knowing he wasn’t going to get out this conversation; he inhaled a deep, prolonged breath and forced himself to gaze into Adam’s eyes. Tommy encouraged Adam to join him by gently tapping the empty place next to him on the bed.

“Shit Adam, I see the way you two exchange those sexually charged looks at each other before and after every show. You care for me, but you have feelings for Drake and he reciprocates them. You might as well make him the bassist so you can kiss and dry hump him every night onstage.”

Tommy realized the harshness in his words, but it was too late. A glint of anger rushed into Adam’s eyes, but quickly diminished.

He made himself more comfortable on the mattress and spoke cautiously into Tommy’s eyes, “I’ll give you the honest truth, because you deserve to be told. Drake hit on me a few weeks ago, but I turned him down. I told him my heart belonged to another person, and that I have no interest in giving it to someone else anytime soon. He felt rejected, and he’s backed off. But yes, he still sends me flirtatious looks, but I never reciprocate them. That’s all Glitterbaby. I’ll find someone else to manage the tour; I truly didn’t know it bothered you so much. I wish you would have let me know sooner, we could have prevented this whole ordeal. You scared the shit out of me tonight baby and I don’t want that to ever happen again. I thought I was going to lose you, and I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.”

He paused, and took a good long moment to admire the blond man’s tired, now relieved eyes.

Adam continued with sincerity, “Oh Tommy, baby, don’t you know? I’ve always loved you. Ever since you stepped into that audition room, I made a place in my heart just for you. I haven’t known you all my life, but it feels like I have. You’re the one I want for all eternity, I can’t live a day without you. You mean the world to me, and without you I just inhabit a lifeless body. Please know I will never love anyone else, you are the one for me.”

Tommy felt relieved, but overwhelmed simultaneously.

“Adam, I auditioned because my friend told me about your voice-they never mentioned how beautiful of a spirit you were. When I entered that room, I realized I’d do everything in my power to see you again. It was love at first sight-I wanted you to be mine. I had been meaning to tell you my feelings for the longest time, but when Drake came along, I knew my chances of telling you were gone. I felt so shitty for not telling you sooner and tonight had been the breaking point for me. After two agonizing months, I just couldn’t handle it anymore.”

Adam reached out and gently caressed Tommy’s hand. He listened intently as Tommy continued to tell him about his past, and stories of his teenage years of cutting. After the deep confessions, Adam pulled Tommy into his chest and stroked his tufty blond hair lovingly. Tommy hadn’t ever been so honest and open with anyone before; it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. The bassist cried into Adam’s soft, freckle covered arms; he felt safe and protected. Tommy had one more important thing he needed to address to Adam.

“Adam? I’m a little tired, but if you let me sleep in late, I want to do the concert. Don’t cancel a show just because of me. Your fans are counting on you, and I count on you. Please let me get back up onstage.”

Adam studied the seriousness of Tommy’s request. He revealed a heart melting, teeth bearing smile and nodded to his love.

Tommy looked up at him and asked, “I’m sorry I caused you so much sadness tonight. Now that I know your feelings, and I admitted I loved you, I truly feel alive. Can we be stay like this forever? I love you so much Babyboy.”

Adam returned the look, and beamed, “For always, forever, Glitterbaby.”

Tommy giggled and flirtatiously questioned, “So I guess this means you’re spending the night?”  
Adam needn’t vocally reply to his love’s request; he wordlessly replied with a shining smile.


End file.
